Tuesday, 15 March 2011

Missing my sister.....

Here we are, in March, I know it was just last week I celebrated my birthday but on the 14 of March it was the anniversary of my sister Karen's passing.......her birthday is coming up on the 19 of this month and I wanted to share an excerpt from a post I wrote last year.

Here's to you Karen......

There are ten children in my family, six girls and four boys.
Now even though my mother and father had lots of love for all of their children, there were times when it couldn't be shared. My parents, in effort to be fair, paired us up. Each of the younger children was paired with an older sibling. Karen was my "au pair" She was the one that taught me to read and write, had my first birthday party and gave me my first Barbie. Karen took me to my first movie, Blue Hawaii. Okay, later she took me to Bambi, after my Mom gave her what for!!! Needless to say whatever I needed, it was usually was Karen that took care of me.
Long after we were grown and married we still had that special bond. Things weren't always easy for Karen, she had two marriages that fell apart and she struggled to put herself and her two children through school.
She went through a kidney transplant, my sister Linda gave her a kidney, unfortunately I was too young to be a candidate. Thank God that Linda's kidney was like that of a twin, so it worked even before the operation was completed.
Karen became a teacher and an artist, we did a lot of creative things together. She would inspire me to push the limits. I learnt how to do pottery and to do pysanky and to paint and sculpt.
Our children grew up together and while Karen encouraged them in the arts, I taught my niece to cook and bake, to sew and be creative in other ways from how Karen taught her. I took my nephew to the beach, packing an enormous picnic basket full of goodies. Later he would tell me that was one of his best memories he's had.
Even though we would have a differences, cause we did, we still managed to stay friends and love each other for who we were. I always felt that I could achieve anything because Karen made me believe in myself.
So when I met my new husband, Ted, the Dutchman, of course I wanted them to meet. Now you have to know Karen did not usually like any man, she had one bad outlook of men and they all fell into that one category.
The first time they met my sister said," Hi, I'm Karen and I have terminal cancer".
I was devastated, not only because she was dying, but because after a failed marriage of twenty five years to an alcoholic, I had met the best friend I ever had and Karen LIKED him!
When the call came from my niece to say Karen wouldn't make it the night, the Dutchman drove me three hours to the hospice, and waited for me while I sat with her through the night.
Karen wasn't speaking vocally, but her eyes were saying volumes. Looking at her, staring into her huge brown eyes while she was taking her last breath is an image that is forever etched in my heart. I couldn't help her and she was struggling so hard to breathe, her eyes were filled with all the unspoken things that we didn't get a chance to talk about. No matter how I try to tell myself that you can't go back, it's all there, right before your eyes, the whys and should haves. Please God, let her understand how much I loved her and I want her to be at peace.
She took one final deep breathe and then closed her eyes...... my sister Lois and I looked at each other and then at Karen's children, it was over...... she's gone.
It was so hard to lose my Mom and now my Karen and I struggle with it everyday. I know that time has passed and I can almost talk about her without that huge lump in my throat. There are moments when I hear her voice or I pick up the phone to tell her of my latest project, and then I remember. I lost my desire to make or create anything for a long time, it has only been since the Dutchman has come into my life that I have been inspired.
I wish that my other sisters weren't so far away, I wish that my niece was closer and that her daughter could get to know me better. Life just doesn't always work that way, I want to be the one shopping with their sister, laughing and sharing life....
Instead I make excuses and retreat to my sewing room and try to immerse myself in a project, I ignore the tears that fall and the huge wave of sadness that threatens to ruin my day. I pray for God to ease the pain and grant me closure..... I loved Karen with all my heart , after eight years it still feels like yesterday........
Love you and remember you forever......xoxoxoxo

27 comments:

Mumsy, Chancy and Co. said...

Oh, sweet Margaret I can feel your pain. I know your sweet sister knew and still knows how much you love her. It hurts so much to not be able to help our loved ones when they are passing, but you being there with your dear sister was one of the greatest gifts you could ever give her.

You will be in my prayers sweet friend. I pray that the pain will ease for you and wonderful, precious memories will move into the places where that pain now dwells.

Warm loving hugs I leave for you.

Diane Mars said...

You sweet thing such a broken heart... remember a loss like that sometimes never quite ever heals... what a beautiful way to share all the great memories of your dear loving and oh so caring sister. oxox, Diane

Brynwood Needleworks said...

Dear Maggie:
Wishing you ease from a pain that surpasses all others. Know that you're always in my thoughts and prayers. I know your sister appreciates the loving tribute you wrote to her. You'll be together again - and may that knowledge bring you comfort.
xoxo
Love,
Dee

T's Daily Treasures said...

The loss of a loved one is never easy but they live forever in your heart and the cherished memories help to ease the pain. Hugs and blessings, Tammy

Dorthe said...

Dear Margaret,
I was with my sister, and her family, when she took the last breathe-(also cancer) I know how you feel!
Blessings,Dorthe

Mayflower said...

Ohhh .... dear Margaret, what a touching story. It remains a great loss if you should lose a loved one and especially on those special days like birthdays and the holidays, you miss those even more.
I wish you strength, especially for March 19, the anniversary of Karen, I know how hard it is.

Warm wishes, Mea

Castles Crowns and Cottages said...

Sweet Margaret,

I am so sorry to hear of this loss. I know because I lost both my parents within TWO WEEKS of each other, at home, to cancer. My mom with ovarian and my dad with lung. That was 23 years ago, but the pain never does go away, does it? It may subside a bit, but if something like a piece of music, a picture, a little thing my mom sewed for me comes by my way, I have to take a deep breath and carry on, or else I will weep. My heart goes out to you dearest. Anita000000

Draffin Bears said...

Dear Margaret,

Losing your best friend and dear sister must have been so hard.
Sending lots of love and hugs to you today, dear friend.
Thinking of you.

Carolyn xo

Margaret said...

It's so hard to lose your best friend and sister and to miss her. Anniversaries are particularly hard. Hugs to you. You know, she would want you to think happy thoughts about her and to be happy. :D

Bertie said...

Oh Margaret, what a loss indeed, I hope you and your loved ones are able to share the day with your sister's and mother's memories, they are so precious:))

Sassy Marsha said...

Dear Mags,

I am sending you a big ((HUG)).

xxoo
Marsha

La Table De Nana said...

What a sweet tribute.. and beautiful photo..

Even your writing about your losses.. is a healing tool..Tears too..
I am glad you have the dutchman..:) your talents..your grandchildren..

All blessings..

Diane said...

Your post is so poignant and painful. Your sister was and still is surely very close to you. I noticed your music today and I hope you can find peace and strength in it. ((((hugs)))) Diane

Jann said...

Losing someone you love so much and are so connected to is always enormously painful, and my heart goes out to you. I do believe that your sister stays close by, loving you always, and watching over you. God bless . . .

Name:was Female, I shit you not! said...

Bless you and your sister Karen.
My heart goes out to you.
Lost my mom and sis to cancer.

ShabbilyByTheSea said...

Dear Margaret,


I am so sorry for the loss of your sweet sister,i lost mine six years ago and it burns me like it was yesterday the only thing that has stopped me going under is raising her two boys and i know it is so hard without your sister to call or hug or laugh with,hugs to you
love Kristina xxx

gail said...

Margaret, what a beautiful post and tribute to your sister. Through your words I could feel all your emotions and I'm so sorry for such a huge loss.
Thinking of you during this time,
gail

Michelle May (Shell) said...

Hugs for your heart my friend. They never leave us you know. As long as we remember and keep loving them, they never leave.
xx, shell

(Queenmothermamaw) Peggy said...

Dear Margaret I am so sorry for the pain that you are going through. My only sister died 28 years ago and her birthday is coming up. I miss her every day but know she is in a better place. Blessings to you.
QMM

Cherrie said...

The pain never goes away! May God Bless you!

Pondside said...

What a terrible loss for you and your family. Even after years, there's still a hole in your world. I'm so sorry.

Sea Angels said...

I believe we shall all meet again, to be with those who we love and have in turn loved us. Unbroken bonds that stretch across everything...death makes us all wait, those who have gone before and those of us who still miss them. What I believe does not stop the tears or fill the space that they lived in or nor does it give back the joy of having them to hold and hug...but it gives me hope, hope for one day.....
Have hope Margaret xxx
With lots of love
Lynnxxx

Castles Crowns and Cottages said...

Good morning dearest Margaret,

Thank YOU for your kind words on my blog post and isn't life so precious? With so much in the news these days and so many loved ones ill, all I can think of lately is how the only thing that will last forever is LOVE. Now that is a great deal....once we are touched by it, it cannot be stolen, taken away or damaged. Love is forever, God is love. Praise HIM!

Have a peaceful and marvelous day, Anita

Deborah in Atlanta said...

I lost my father in March 2008, and my heart goes out to you because I know it must be doubly awful for you because your dear sister was not only your sister, she was also your mother substitute and your very best friend. God bless you through these days ahead, and God bless the Dutchman.

Denise said...

How beautiful.... I did not know that I missed your birthday but I bet I do not next year. When I read blogs like this sisters loving sisters, it alwyas makes me sad. Something I have always yearned for I do not have. A Sister. Oh I have one that is born to the same Mom and Dad but she is not a sister. It is such a tragedy.

What a beautiful story about how your Mom and Dad paired you up..... What a beautiful thing they did for you.....

I know you miss her terribly.... but we have hope in Christ....... There will be a day of rejoicing.. and reunion....

~CC Catherine said...

Dearest Margaret, I cried tears reading this post dedicated to the anniversary of the death of your precious sister Karen. Someone very wise once told my husband, "Stop crying fresh tears over past regrets". Karen knew, and knows, how much you love her; and she died with you by her side;just like she was by your side most of your life. The tears of regrets we have sometimes are normal; but they rob us of making the most of every moment so we can remember all the good times instead & celebrate their (Karen's) life. The times where you had belly gut laughs with Karen...the times that meant the most to the two of you throughout your lives together. I lost a brother in 1982, he was 27 that year. I can't believe it's been 30 years since I've seen him. I still remember the last words I said to him..."Take a good look, this is the last time you'll see it", referencing my waist length hair that I was getting cut later that weekend short. I had no idea that goodbye would be a literal one. It took years to get used to the fact that he wasn't coming back...and holidays are always smaller with a large family like ours when we miss his presence. I am praying for you friend...you had something very special with your sister. I know she knew how much you loved her...she had to! Bless you friend!

Margaret said...

I was over at '52 Flea' and my heart broke over her mom's passing..and then I hopped here to see your blog, and learned of Karen's passing..I'm so sorry, and although I had a mom (she passed in 2003), never had a sister. Which, in your favor, even in the midst of grief, is a blessing that God gave you, and for that, you are the wonderful person she helped you to be today. Keep going forth and sharing it, and thank you for your blogging goodness! XO & Happy Belated Birthday!!